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Monday, August 2nd, 2004
4:07 am - incredibly offensive/brutally honest. pick whichever sounds better to you.
before i start, i want you all to know - just for the record - if i die i want to be burned until there's nothing left with my arms across my fucking empty chest with one fist clenched and the other flipping the world off 'cuz IT NEVER DID A DAMN THING FOR ME.

fucking shit - i dont know what the fuck is going on. another sleepless night... maybe i've just got too much on my mind. **always** bullshit, man, seriously. i found myself getting stoned today not because i wanted to have a good time, but i wanted something to make everything around me go away. i did some other old shit today for the first time in a year today too... dont know why. lots can happen in 24 hours, huh... lives can completely change. people's feelings can completely fucking change. outlooks on life can be as different as night and day. does everybody out there want to know a secret - i'd give anything to be happy and to feel normal. we all have our story of walking into high school and trying to find that right circle. in life, trying to find that right circle - where you just click. i'm running out of circles... and as a result i'm just running in circles. if that makes any kind of sense to anybody. where i am now... generally accepted yet not belonging. that whole fucking confusion about being an anticonformist only to conform yet again to anarchy and all that madness. i'm probably pissing somebody off out there - i apologize, i'm completely strung out. drugs are a funny thing... so fucking stupid. dumping toxins into your body and fucking you up, yet you keep going back night after lonely fucking night. this song is a fucking trip and a half. it's like he's singing, but sounds like he's crying or something - just by what he says. when i close my eyes i see a tear streaked face screaming in agony as he runs with the wind whipping his hair into his face. every fucking muscle in his body strained, determined and fucking bent on making it all stop - all the fucking snickers behind turned backs, all the fucking whispering and points, all those bold enough to call that all-too-familiar beloved nickname placed on everyone with a facial piercing or fishnet - - - FREAK. i fucking hate that word. take a picture, asshole! that way you can whip it out later on when you need a little pick-me-up and yell at me then too. show your friends that ugly fat bitch you saw downtown. yeah, that's me. but look closer... look at my eyes. look at my fucking arms. do you still feel so big and tall, or am i tugging on some almost-non-existant threads to that conscience you're hiding in there somewhere... i've known more pain and hatred than you've ever known. i've seen more hurt and tears mixed with blood than you'd be prepared to handle. i've seen more of this fucking world in my 18 short years of the things that REALLY govern life than you can fathom.
i swear to god - to anybody who's willing to listen to me - i'm a good fucking person somewhere under this tangled mess. i've the best intentions, and i try so hard to find one thing to smile about every day. i'm still waiting for karma to decide it's MY turn. just waiting. that pretty much sums it up. "just wait till tomorrow - i guess that's what they all say - just before they fall apart" so i'm sorry i always fuck up. i'm sorry you all have lost faith in me. i'm sorry i'm habitually late and ignore phone calls. i'm sorry i cant be the beautiful blond all-american doll of a daughter that you've always wanted. i'm sorry i cant be the wonder-woman girlfriend that you've concocted in your sick mind. yes it's true, i'd rather smoke a cigarette in the dark and listen to tool than have sex with you, but i'd never say that to your face. i'm sorry i'm not the kind of girl that you can bring to your parents. i'm sorry, but i'm a fucking sucker for sweettalk and i think you've found that out about me because i'm fucking eating out of your hand. i just want to be fucking loved and cared about. i think i'm going about it the wrong way -maybe i should wait to find a good relationship first rather than giving you everything you want and then still expecting you to look at me the same in the morning. and there comes another beloved second name - SLUT. i know what's going on here. you're 15 years older than me, i'm your little prize to parade around, dress up, dress down... i'm your fucking punked out barbie, baby. dont you love it? i fucking hate you for it. but you already know that i'll be calling you tomorrow. how could i not? i wouldn't want to piss you off - where would i be then? negative attention is better than no fucking attention at all - at least i know people still see me. i haven't completely fucking vanished. right?
somebody should walk into my life. and there would be no pressure. no hurt. no hitting or yelling. no cruel and heartless reminders of mistakes from years ago. no guilt trips and no drama. sex would not be a priority, but cuddling definitely would. i'm no idiot, i know how to talk. i know how to care. i want to be able to open up and not have to think about what i'm about to say. i want to smile without forcing it. i want someone who i can call during times like these... at 4:48 in the morning even though i have to be to work at 8... and i want them to feel comfortable doing the same. someone who knows how to be serious, but at the same time can get out and have some fun. that's what i'm looking for, i guess. if any of that sounds good to anybody else out there.... call me. 3515763. there's my cell number for the entire world.
SWEET FUCKING SUICIDE, you cunning bitch, you're always on my mind. like a sick infatuation. a lustful relationship, nothing more. i fuck around with you - teasing and flirting - then you turn around and fucking throw it back in my face than i can chase you all i want but never have you. so they say. well fuck you, this has been going on too fucking long. yes i'm so fucking indecisive and i poke and scratch and cut, i burn and i dont wear my seatbelt, i cry and scream and hurt so fucking badly on the inside, but who am i fucking fooling? i'll always say "one more day" and that's been an excellent way to brush off a day at a time. but for fuck's sake... i fucking blinked and weeks... months... have gone by. this summer's over. the words aren't going to come anymore. somebody out there knows this feeling i've got. your feelings, pride, sense of self-worth - like they've been run over by an 18wheeler and it physically hurts somewhere deep inside. it fucking hurts. and i'm so FUCKING ALONE. my phone rings all day long and i'm out all night being social, but i'm so fucking alone. i dont think anybody even knows.

as i walked away i heard them say poisoned hearts will never change, turned away in discrace -

current mood: crushed

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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
2:00 am - WATCH IT BURN!!!
**and i wanna conquer the world. give all the idiots a brand new religion....**

Wow, i'm in one of the best moods i've ever been in! holy shit... if only it would last... it feels so freaking good. so updates in my world... um... wow - totally thought today was going to suck. had a decent night last night, just chilled out with n8o and jerica, but today.... people are throwing up, i cleaned (yay), i got yelled at by a pedestrian who was trying to cross in front of me even though i had green and he had a red(yes, i shouted profanities out the window to make myself feel better, and yes, it worked)... drama with old boys, didn't get to mosh, got burned by the 'rents and almost got kicked out, re-acquainted a trusty safety pin with my wrist for the first time in over a year.... SUCKEDDDD!!! so i came home at like 11:45 or 12, totally expecting to feel the full wrath of my mom, and we had some serious 2way communication going on. it was great. and i had an adderall - it's amazing. i dont feel high, i just feel fucking happy! like all the little neurons in my brain are all smiling or some shit like that. and nato totally rocks my socks at the moment - i'm liking it a whole ton. if i could have one wish come true tonight - for the rest of my life - it would be to feel as good as i do right now for the rest of my life. i like loving life and all the wonderful things around me, right down to that unruly touristy-looking pedestrian who is obviously visiting our great city from some faraway land without moving automobiles or traffic signals.... ya know what??? i'd be agitated if i felt i was about to be run over by an suv with rock blaring and a backseat full of punks. totally. ***fucking shit, i'm out. rock on and rock hard.

catie - i saw sezzie at bitoz! i haven't seen her in forever, and she's looking so much like you! it's great. and i miss you hella - which stuntcock cd do you want? i can get it for you.

jennifer - girlllll!!! i've been trying to call you - did you fall of the face of the world or what? i haven't seen you at bitoz recently either.... call me back!

dan - i know you read this every now and then too.... haven't seen you in weeks either!! hope allz swell and life is peaches

until next time - oh yes, i know you all are just hanging on the edge of your seats until i write next.... hahahaaaaaa riiiiight.

**kerosine keeps me warm, i'm alone to watch it burn... kerosine keeps me warm - feels so good to watch it burn**

current mood: ecstatic

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
11:33 pm - DramaQueen
18 next tuesday... holy shit i'm getting old. but still so naive.... yeaa... it's fucking hilarious that my whole week is filled up with hanging out with all these people and i still feel freaking alone. i always think "oh, if only i had ____ then i'd be happy." but it's never true. so i settle for a bowl and at least i can forget about it for a night. but then before i know it, a month's gone by. that's crazy... watch me blink and then i'll be a 35 year old divorcee with 2 kids and a mortgage payment... that's a nasty mental image. wow, i'm such a drama queen. school starts up next month - college. crazy.
on another depressing note... stuntcock broke up. that's busted. seriously. but nato's still hella chill to hang out with - that's good. going over there tomorrow. yep. and jerica rocks my socks!!!!
went to the lake today.. taku lake... or something like that... it was pretty fun. went swimming. and came home soaking wet... raunchy but fun.
and i really fukking miss catie xoxoxoxoxoxoooooooo

"she's feeling more alone - than she ever has before..."

current mood: amused

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Sunday, July 4th, 2004
9:13 pm - Per your request....
There's only one person who reads this. i know that. i can accept that. it's better than no people reading it. so ... yeah. jenn, i wont be at the show on monday - my class goes until 9:30, there's no fucking way. damnit... stuntcock is playing, huh. FUCK!!! they fucking rock my socks. but... yeah, that note you gave me... i'm totally psyched, and i have to say there's a lot of mutual feelings and shit there... but you've got chase. and i'm still obsessed with cameron. and slightly interested in casey... then there's the whole blase thing. but hell, girl, it's fucking rocking to chill with you at shows and dance with you. i like that tonz. i dont have anything to say... i mean... i'm a loser, come on... back from rehab and already relapsed. destined for failure... feelings lie sometimes. ya know?

*dont know what the fuck i'm talking about or which way is up*

current mood: stressed

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Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
8:22 pm - there's too many "should have's"
is it fair that i should cry over him when he's happily moved on with his life? is it fair that i'm unable to move forward yet unwilling to go back? i'm stuck in this purgatory and it's going to kill me - i can't think about anything else but him. like we were meant to be together, but i was too stubborn or blind to see that. i was too wrapped up in what i was doing to see how much i had. and now i cant have it anymore. i never understood why people said "live in the moment," but i do now.... if you dont live in the moment, before you know it... it's gone and you're left wondering what happened to everyone.

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
6:48 pm - cured, supposedly.
i'm home. i'm supposedly cured! hooray for me!! well, i've got a seret for every body out there who even reads this anymore... i'm depressed. i still hate my life and who i am. i'd rather be doing drugs than being fat... it seems that's the only alternative. i've heard that ppl ultimately do nothing but GROW after quitting ... i've found it to be completely true. i hate myself. i hate the fact that i cant talk to the people i loved so much before. i cant talk to catie or jessica or cameron - why? because they're "addicts." or jennifer or anybody else... because (theoretically) it will bring ME down. well, what if i'm bringing myself down by not letting myself have a LIFE! i was away for over nine months. the WHOLE time, ppl told me that my addiction was like slavery and that once i kicked the drugs, the old hangouts, the old friends... i would be free.

i've never felt more imprisoned in my life.

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Friday, March 26th, 2004
5:39 pm

another interesting day in the books.... one would think that after 9 months of trustworthy soberness that an almost-graduated punk like me could have a bit of freedom... but that "almost" part is the catch.  i'm ALMOST done in utah. i'm ALMOST an adult. i'm ALMOST allowed to have choices.  i'm ALMOST allowed to ___________(fill in the blank)!!!! and i still have to deal with the "allowed" bullshit. whatever. i sat at my mother's office all day and wrote a final essay on MacBeth and my graduation dictation. what fun.  it was disturbingly similar to those "take your daughter to work" disasters of elementary school where we all got so psyched to be missing school and chilling all day only to have our dreams crushed when we realized that working was even more boring. how very traumatizing. maybe that's why i'm so messed up now.... the world will never know!!!!

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
9:54 am
hello all.... so i'm back in town for the week. i hate jail. just for the record. but seriously... i feel socially disconnected. utah blows. so much for eloquent literary talent... utah just blows. but i love and miss you all. and i'll be back at the end of april. keep in mind... i've been locked up for a year and i want to get THRASHED at a show. keep me posted on the latest. out

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Monday, July 14th, 2003
8:09 pm
hey everyone out there...this is rachels little sis amy. rachel has been sent to a residential in utah so she'll be outta contact with everyone for...quite awhile actually (6-12 months) but if you send an email to her account (babystar_usa@hotmail.com) i'll check it, and reply to you wiht an address where you can reach her.

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Saturday, April 12th, 2003
12:25 am - ode to you-know-who-you-are
Endless pain never quits

The fight withing… pride will begin

Forget the time I said I would

If I fall, replace that within – I never will

Look beyond the facts held in your face

What a man’s got he’ll learn to hate – trust me.

No response. No revealing?

Salt water entering my open wounds

Feeling like a bruised and battered object of lust.

Like the calm before the storm sometimes

You’re either a very comfortable liar

Or youre telling me the truth.

I don’t know which… both scare me.

I liked having hurt.

Caring opens up all sorts of opportunities for pain.

People smile at the thought of me failing.

Like handing me a grenade and running away only to laugh when it explodes in my face.

I send the pain below.

Cannt feel my chest, like suffocation to the max

Dropping down and closing in.

Breathe, trust, bless me and release.

Closure has come to me

Will you ever belong to me

Slip away to clear your mind.

I feel like a burden. I am.

I want to succeed.

Wonder what’s next?

Refining and pushing forward the art

Tone’s creation, looking at the right time to share it

I don’t want to play the blaming game anymore.

It’s not my turn.

current mood: depressed

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Monday, April 7th, 2003
9:09 pm
not meant for me
you think you're smart
you're not.
it's plain to see that you want me to
fall off
its killing me
you've got the go come take it all
all this bitching and moaning
come on it's on
the jury is coming
coming to tear me apart
i'm trapped in this world lonely and fading
heartbroke and waiting
for you to come
we are stuck in this world there's nothing or me
no one for me.
i'm over it
i'm falling
clouded by memories of the past
at last i see
i hear it fading
i wont speak it or else you will dig my grave
always winding
take my hand now be ALIVE
you see i cannot be forsaken
because i'm not the only one
we walk amongst you
feeding and raping
and we hide from everyone.
why cant we be together in resentment?
you fell away
what more can i say
the feelings evolved
i wont let it out
i cant replace your screaming face
feeling the sickness in side
why wont you die
your blood and mine
we'll be fine.
then your body will be mine
so many words can describe my face
this feeling's evolved
so soon to break out
i cant relate to a happy state
feeling the blood run inside
why wont you die
your blood in mine
we'll be fine!
then you body will be mine
why is everything so fucking HARD FOR ME
kick me down to where you think i should be
fuck with me and you provvoke the mionistry
keep on trying, i'm not dying so easily.

the hunger inside given to me makes me who i am
always it is calling me
for the blood of man
they say i cannot be this
hiding from the day
you cant fuck with fate
so instead you'll taste my PAIN
the hunger incide given to me
makes me feel alive
always out stalking prey
in the dark i hide
feels like i am fading

i cut my hair again. shorter than it's ever been before. it makes me uglier, but i kind of like it. i want people to stop caring for me so i dont have to hurt them anymore. especially not when i die. look to drugs and then the dark for comfort.
i have a lot of thoughts but they're not coming out right now. like.... mental constipation. there's a nice mental image for y'all. yay.

current mood: drained

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Monday, March 31st, 2003
3:21 pm

current mood: amused

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Friday, March 28th, 2003
12:22 pm
ah, i miss catie!!! i'm so irritated right now. aaaaaahhh!!! fucking christ. ladeeee da. yep, cool stuff. on the verge of a mental breakdown.... bout ready to scream until i cough up my vocal chords!!! >:( thought i'd share that wonderful mental image with all of you happy people out there in internet land. bye!!!!!! i miss you KT!!!!!

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
2:40 pm - RACHEL!!!

catie xoxoxox

current mood: ecstatic

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Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
8:19 pm
I feel dead and disconnected

current mood: apathetic

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
4:25 pm
Okay, so i'm fucking bored and i click on some link to a quiz site... that shit is hella addictive!!! okay... here's what i've learned in the past 20 minutes!!!
1) my main childhood trauma is seeing my parents in the sack.
2) my fav' cussword is supposedly "asshole"
3) the color in which i see the world: NEUTRAL. (what the fuck kind of color is that?)
"Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the world in a negative or positive way and you'll never judge or assume a situation- you just look at the facts. People like you are peaceful and accepting." ... erm... ok.
4) What kind of kiss am i? DOMINANT.... "you take charge and make sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully, it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into you playing the dominant role MEORW! okie dokie thennn!!!!!
5) What kind of anime boobs do i have? flat. right. like that tells me anything. fucking bored people with nothing better to do!!! i know i'm flat! even the fucking computer knows i'm flat! kiss my ass!!! oh, and there were even pictures provided.... that was reassuring. **SARCASM**
6) What kind of drug should i be hooked on? SHROOMS!! shrommin' it up. hellz yah!
Star light,
star bright,
what images will I see tonite?
7)what kind of porno should i star in? BONDAGE!!! Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses, and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!
8) What's my sexual fetish? again, BONDAGE! jesus christ... what's up with me and BONDAGE!?!?!?!?! :P
9) and finally.... what kind of freaky infamous criminal am i?......You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an ancient and noble house, you were married (against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a lettre de cachet for 14 years until the Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean, charming, you became a Revolutionary, miraculously escaping the guillotine during the Terror, only to be arrested later for publishing your erotic novels. You spent your final 12 years in the insane asylum at Charenton, where you caused another scandal by directing plays using inmates and professional actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in the arms of your teenage mistress.
You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.
not too shabby, eh? right on. i'm out.

OKAY HOW FUCKING BORED AM I? PLEASE, DONT ANSWER THAT! *** i'm a loser. you dont have to make fun of me. jeesus.

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4:19 pm
fuck me for falling in love again. fuck me for being sociable. condemn this heart of mine to never love again. for what? for fun? bad in the end. terrible heartbreaking outcomes. i hate more than i love. i joke on the outside but inside i hurt. this burning pain... for love? for physical comforts? nah. just to recede to this safe haven in my quiet and black head. to just *sigh* and bleed. that's my sanctuary; my safety.

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
5:34 pm
you all should check out http://teenopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=B410137
there's a kid who can write like something else. it's easy to relate with people who know pain like you do. he knows. you can see it. i'm so lazy for no apparent reason. just kinda... thoughtful and sad at the same time. recumbant. yeah. rite. bye

current mood: blank

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Monday, March 10th, 2003
yo yo yo, there's tonz of shows this weekend and i expect to see all you crazy mother fuckers there!!! friday and saturday at the chalet there's gonna be some mad cool stuff. also, there's gonna be some cool stuff going on at kaladi brothers and humpy's, so y'all check it out and "support your local scene" kay?! later dudes, dudettes, and everything in between.

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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
9:35 pm
if i cut off your arms and cut off you legs would you still love me anyway? if you're bound and gagged, draped and displayed would you still love me anyway? why don't you love me anyway? why don't you love me anyway?

sorry to disturb you guys my journal is really lonely.


current mood: productive

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